10 Reasons that says "That Time Of The Month" is near or upon us.

Okay, so last month, during "that time", my boyfriend tenderly asked me what was wrong when I was being quiet. I gave him my "don't look at me, don't come near me" look. He immediately knew the answer and backed away like a gazelle who had spotted a lion. My friend describes herself like a crocodile. Snap snap.

And I began to think of the red flags (pun definitely not intended) of that time of the month. How do you and your loved ones know it's coming? It's usually when it's too late to take cover.

1. We're hot. All the time. Always fucking hot. A woman's body temperature rises approximately a degree, so we will kick the covers off us. Then wrap it back around us. Then complain you're too close, so move away. I want my jacket. I don't want my jacket. WHY ARE THE HEATERS IN MY CAR SO HOT FFS. No, don't open the window, the breeze will mess up my hair, oh my god, don't you know me at all?
   
   
   
2. We crave. No matter how healthy you are, or the diet you're on, you will crave. We crave chocolate mainly because of the serotonin that can relieve anxiety or depression. So God help you if you come between us and that tub of Nutella, you poor man. And it isn't just chocolate, oh no. We want chocolate on chocolate with a side of waffles. Our body wants it all. Back away from the last piece of Galaxy if you know what's good for you.
   
   
3. We get moody for no reason. God, I didn't even realise you could breathe like that. You're so loud. It's so irritating. And not just angry, but inexplicably sad. Who knew that Life Insurance advert on TV was so moving? And yes, I'm crying at a Michael Jackson video, it's about Free fucking Willy, how could I not cry?
   
   
   
4. "Oh my god, how many times have I told you that we don't stock the fridge like that?!" Perfection suddenly becomes a must. We clean. We organise. Who knew we could be so thorough? Oh wait, it's over now. That was a good five minute burst of inspiration.
   
5. We're stubborn. So stubborn. If you tell me that a pain killer will make me feel better, I will only take it when it's my decision. It probably won't help anyway. Nothing ever does. EVER.
   
6. Nothing ever fits. We bloat. As if everything wasn't bad enough, we bloat. Our stomachs swell. So just when we're at our most judgemental, we get thrown a big stomach. Thanks a lot, mother nature. Thanks a bloody lot.
   
   
7. We're unhappy with everything we wear outside of the house. Inside, it can be comfy pants, a jumper and the comfiest socks/slippers we can find. But outside? No. I can't go out in that. Why doesn't this dress from 10 years ago fit me any more? Since when did I put on so much weight? I look disgusting. STOP LYING TO ME, I DON'T LOOK GOOD AT ALL.
   
8. We get paranoid. I swear our neighbours are stealing from us. Why don't we get letters any more? They aren't just disappearing, so where are they going?
   
9. We constantly have to have the following close by a) a hot water bottle and/or microwavable teddy bear, b) comfortable knickers and c) painkillers. All are essentials. So when I ask you to put the kettle on, it isn't for a brew. It's for my fluffy cow hot water bottle, alright?
   
   
   
10. We get spots. Bad skin. I didn't realise I was fifteen again and finding ways to cover up my skin. I'm twenty four - I shouldn't be hunting for clearasil!